Sunday, June 28, 2009

scars.

If you could give up one thing that you don't like about yourself what would it be?

Right off the bat I want to say diabetes. DUH I don't want the beetus anymore.

Almost daily I think of this question and how if I were offered it, how I would answer it.

If I were given the option to remove one thing about myself I would choose my scars.

I feel like my whole body is full of scars.

Some scars not caused (directly) by me. Scars on my chest from the triple lumen IV that I had when I was in hospitalized for DKA a few years ago.**
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From the numerous venous blood draws and IV's I have had over the years. I affectionately call these my track marks. Look closely they are there.
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From the millions of finger pricks to test my blood sugar.
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From the infusion sets and the insulin shots.
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From the abscess removal surgeries I had to have. Caused from my lack of taking care of my diabetes when I was 17.
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And everywhere else from self mutilation. My stomach. Arms. Legs. Feet. Hands. Everywhere.
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I hate that I did this to my body. I hate that now, years later I still have these reminders of the years that I struggled. I hate that I didn't think about how I would feel at 22. I hate when I can feel people looking at these scars. People ask all the time. I never know how to answer. It seems like a lifetime ago that I did it to myself. Maybe it was. I was a different person then. A messed up person. A sad sad teen. Each day I have to deal with these scars. They cover my entire body. I can't hide them. I would overheat.

If I could could change one thing about myself I would choose to take away my scars. Is that selfish? It feels selfish. That I would rather change something cosmetically over taking away my diabetes.

It is painful to look at this constant, daily, in my face reminder of the very bad time in my life.

As with all things, I take it in stride. Maybe one day they will fade to a point where they will no longer be visible. They have already significantly faded. I hope they do. Until then I will deal.

And who knows, maybe one day I will be able to get them removed!!

**Funny story as to why I have scars on both sides of my chest from the triple lumen IV. I was admitted to the ICU with DKA and I was close to not making it, and all of my veins were collapsed so they had to put this thing in, I don't remember it, but the residents that put the thing in put it on the WRONG side of my chest! It has to be threaded down in the heart and they initially put it on the right side of my body. My Mom was NOT happy with them. :) Luckily I was not with it so I didn't actually have to go through it twice.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Mountain dew slushies and NPH

I grew up in Carmel, Indiana. Lovely place don't ya think?

I went to Carmel High School. Surprising, I know.

You were pretty much amazingly awesomely cool if you had a Mountain Dew slushie at school in the morning.

...Yea I don't know why either anymore...

Well as you may or may not know, I was diagnosed with diabetes just a few months shy of starting high school. I was on LOVELY NPH insulin, so I could only eat breakfast lunch and dinner. There was no carb counting involved with NPH, just carb exchanges, so if I were to drink a slushie my blood sugar would just SKYROCKET!!

It was awful. I would beg my Mom to let me have one. It was only cool if you had the HUGE Styrofoam cup which is like 52oz. Whoa. There is about 185 carbs in a 52oz Mountain Dew. Which is only 140 MORE carbohydrates then I was allowed.

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The dreaded slushie machine of my youth. lol

Some days my friends would pick me up one. :) Even though they knew I was not supposed to have one. I remember skipping breakfast many many days when I knew I was going to be getting a slushie, that way I could keep my blood sugar a little tiny bit lower.

I no longer live in Carmel, but I babysit and nanny there and I happened to need a diet pepsi the other day, and ran down the street to the gas station.

The closest one happened to the the slushie gas station. I didn't think it would be weird to go in there. It was.

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It brought back the EXACT feelings of not being allowed to have something because of diabetes.

I'm not sure if you have ever had those feelings, but let me tell you THEY SUCK.

Luckily they subsided pretty quickly, (after a few snapshots of the place haha) when I remembered I have had Mountain Dew slushies since high school and been able to bolus for it.

Its still weird to have those feelings of being 'left out'.

And really? How was a slushie cool? I think my HAIR should have made me feel left out!! haha

Monday, June 15, 2009

Tour de Cure part 2!

HI! Sorry for this lack of Tour de Cure updates! I feel as if I have not stopped moving! That seems to be a common theme for me. :) The Tour de Cure was so amazing! I tweeted a few times from my phone and NONE OF THEM actually worked! Uh. I still have the tweets here on my phone in the outbox so I am going to just tweet them for you here! Good plan? Yup I think yes.

5:25am-5:20am is a time i usually see when I haven't slept. Not a wake up time! Kaylyn ryan and i are on our way to tour de cure!
9:12am-We have gone over 15 miles! Shooting for 25 miles! Bg is 127! The beetus is being nice today!
10:35am-One lap to go! 2.5 miles left! Woo hoo!
10:50am-Done! 30 miles!

yea I guess I thought I tweeted more. Oh well. Ryan ended up biking 55 miles and Kaylyn and I did 30 miiles. We took a TON of pictures and you can find the whole set here on Flickr. I'll share a few with you right now!

This is us before the race. I'm in the red (duh) and Kaylyn has the banana. She ate a lot of bananas that day! haha. 021

I was a Red Rider- which means that I have diabetes! This is me after lap 9 or something like that! Still hanging in there!115

My favorite picture of the entire day. HAHAH. oohhboy. It makes me laugh every time. I love it! 022

More pics to come later!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Tour de Cure!!

hello everyone!! You all look gorgeous today :) Did you loose weight? New haircut? YOU LOOK JUST BEAUTIFUL!! :D

Are you buttered up now? Good

Next Saturday my best friend Kaylyn, her brother and I will be riding in the Tour de Cure. Its a race to cure diabetes.

You all want to help cure diabetes right? Well duh. Why wouldn't you!!

This is a diabetes blog after all. And you all love me to pieces right? I thought so. :)

But.. of course there is a but..I need help. We need donations. Anything will help! I know that its super last minute of me, and I'M SORRY!! Thats just how I roll. Well that and we just decided to do this a few hours ago!!

You can click here to get to my donation page and here to get to Kaylyns page. I do not have a link for Ryan's page yet.

The minimum donations that a rider must have to participate in the race is $150.oo. I would LOVE to exceed that goal, but then again I'll do anything for a cure!

If you could find it in your wallet hearts to donate just a little we will LOVE it!!

I will keep you all updated on our progress and there will be tons of pictures come race day!!

I will also update my progress via Twitter, which you can see via my left upper sidebar.

ETA: here is the link to Ryans donation page!! I have exceeded my goal at this point and would still love more donations but Kaylyn and Ryan still need donations!! Thanks again you guys are the BEST!!



How can you say no to this face??